Approaching tarot card reading as a beginner is tough. How can you know you’re psychic before you start performing readings? How can you understand how to peel the fabric of the future when you’re still figuring out the difference between the Six of Pentacles and the Six of Receptacles? (Receptacles are called Cups in most Indo-European decks)
If you’re having concerns about your first reading, don’t be nervous! Just prepare a deck of trusty tarot cards, a trusted friend in front of you, and a nice, solid table free of mess. I promise you’ll get the hang of it in no time.
#13 – DO arrange the cards in a single, neat stack before the person you’re scrying sees them. It helps no psychic to appear unprepared. Just in case, have them shuffled before you perform the initial shuffle in the reading. Counterintuitively, you don’t want to know what card is coming up! It makes your interpretation less believable.
#12 – DON’T try to make too much eye contact with the person across from you. Although eye contact provides a piercing feeling in a reading, your primary focus should be the cards. Use eye contact as a tool, and sparingly.
#11 – DO remove the Four of Wands from the deck before you begin. No one’s going to miss it, will they? Having one less minor arcana to remember will make things a whole lot easier for everyone.
#10 – DON’T mix in cards from any other sources or decks. The Magician (maj. I) is very different from the Dark Magician (Yu-Gi-Oh!, Spellcaster/Normal, Lv. 7, ATK/2500 DEF/2100). It’s easy to get confused if you don’t have a pure 77-card deck!
#9 – DO control the ambience of your psychic space. Silence all unwanted music and light. A calm, repeating sonic backdrop is good. I did my first reading in strobing strip lights while Travis Scott’s 2023 hip-hop masterpiece “FE!N (featuring Playboi Carti)” played in the background. My prediction of Billy’s sister’s car accident was accurate, but a friendlier ambience might have made processing the reading easier for him.
#8 – DON’T by a tarot card deck that looks like it was illustrated by someone who knows about Redbubble. This will always make a negative impression on the customer.
#7 – DO avoid all incenses, oils, and trinkets while you’re getting used to handling cards. These are nice but you don’t need them when you’re starting out.
#6 – DON’T publicly make a statement like #8 above, or you risk angering an Etsy witch. While they are bullyable, they do talk, and you will be targeted with penis explosion hexes day in and day out before you know it.
#5 – DO pre-emptively cast a penis explosion hex on yourself before you get into psychic readings or witchcraft. If you have a penis, you will inevitably be hit by one, so doing the procedure yourself saves time, mana, and heartache.
#4 – DON’T be vague about what you’re doing when you’re starting out. This is a tough temptation to resist for young psychics. Simply state that you’re reading the cards as they appear, and don’t make grand claims to reading the dead or the future yet. Start with the cards and build your legend from there. Remember, even Morgan le Fay was once just Morgan!
#3 – DO repeatedly whisper “the cards… the cards…” while performing a reading. This helps with nerves.
#2 – DON’T be afraid to lie if anyone who’s not a pagan accuses you of false faith. However, don’t lie directly to a pagan about being a pagan. All tarot card readers are valid, but know your place when speaking to people who really believe.
#1 – DO remember to seek treatment for your exploded penis. I failed to do this and received a nasty case of arcane meat fever.
Richard Sanguine is a Washington D.C.-based professional psychic of fifteen years. He started performing readings in 2024 while attending Oberlin College. Richard is the author of two books, including Poems Four my Wand and the Booker Prize longlisted Practical Psychokinesis for Perverts. He spends his conscious hours with wife Ella and big beautiful dogs Yachty and X.
Richard’s expressed opinions do not reflect the views of “Daniel’s Phantom Caravan” as a publication, nor those of its managing editor, Daniel.
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